-We’ve got a fun show tonight. Dakota Johnson
is my guest tonight! [ Cheers and applause ] Jon Lovitz is stopping by!
I love Jon Lovitz! And Post Malone is here! [ Cheers and applause ] Actually,
in honor of Post Malone, everyone in tonight’s audience
is going home with a face tattoo.
There you go. There you go. Good for you.
Absolutely. Let’s get to some news here. The economy is having
a pretty wild week. Thanks to our trade war
with China, stocks have been up and down. I saw that Apple lost
almost $50 billion. Then every customer
with a missing AirPod was like, “Sucks losing something,
doesn’t it? Yeah.” All the big tech companies like Amazon, Apple, Facebook
got hit hard, and you can tell
their CEOs are depressed. Last night, Jeff Bezos got drunk and ordered a bunch of crap
off Amazon. Tim Cook whispered to Siri,
“Hold me.” And Mark Zuckerberg poked
himself just to feel something. It’s just — But it’s not good.
The Dow Jones took a huge dive. And it hasn’t fully recovered. -[ Chuckles ] Love it.
Saw that, too. I totally understand all this — -What were you laughing at?
I wasn’t even telling a joke. -Super funny. I got it.
‘Cause I get finance. I love it. That joke was great.
[ Laughs ] -I wasn’t even telling a joke. I was just saying that stocks
are all over the place. And it’s because China
devalued its currency to its lowest level in 10 years. -[ Laughs ] Devalued currency.
Those are words I understand. I totally get it. Ha-ha!
-Higgins, what are you doing? -Just letting you know. It’s money, business, stocks.
I know it. I know it all. Super funny. I love it. I know it. Ask me anything.
I know it all. -Okay, fine.
What is the Dow Jones? -That’s Tommy Lee Jones’
brother. [ Laughter ] -What’s a liquid asset? -That’s when you eat
too much Indian food. [ Cheers and applause ] -What’s the NASDAQ? -NASDAQ? That’s that duck
that sells insurance. -Higgins, that is —
that is Aflac. -Gesundheit.
-All right. That’s enough. It’s time to move on. Okay?
-Wait, wait, wait, please. -What?
-It might surprise you guys that I don’t get any of the stuff
about the stock market at all. -That doesn’t surprise
any of us. -Stocks are up, they’re down.
Which way is good? I don’t even know.
I have so many questions. -Up. Up is good.
What are you talking about? -What? Well, ta–
What about taxes? One thing I know about taxes is you have to only pay them
in years that end with “3.” -Higgins, no, that’s — Higgins, you have to pay them
every year. -What? I got to get out of here. O.J.?
-No. Why would you — [ Cheers and applause ] Here’s some news
about the President. I can’t believe this
hadn’t happened already. But in a tweet this morning,
Trump misspelled his own name. Take a look.
He wrote, “Donald Ttump.” [ Laughter ] Donald Ttump. When Don Jr. saw that,
he was like, “I can’t believe I’ve been spelling it wrong
this whole time. Oh, my gosh.” Meanwhile, when staffers told
Trump he misspelled his name, he tweeted this, “Sorry.
I meant to say Ddnald Ttump.” Some news from Washington.
I saw that right now the House and Senate
are now on summer recess. And a few members of Congress
have released statements about how they’re spending
their free time. For example,
Representative Don Bacon said, “I love recess.
I wake up every morning and make myself a plate of
crispy — well, my last name.” Up next, Dan Newhouse said, “It’s good to have
this time off. Because my wife and I are in
the middle of trying to buy a — well, my last name.” After that, Susan Wild was like,
“Me and the girls are headed to Vegas, where we’re gonna
chug margs and get friggin’ — well, my last name.” And finally, Ted Budd said,
“I’m kicking it on the beach and lighting up
some dank, dank — well, my last name.” These are real quotes. -Real from real people.
-I believe so. -They really said that.
-Some celebrity news. Kylie Jenner’s birthday
is this week. And to celebrate,
I saw that Travis Scott filled their whole house
with roses. Check this out. Kylie was like, “Aww.” While her Roomba was like,
“Drop me in the tub.” [ Laughter ] The Roomba said —
-The Roomba — What did he say? What did he say again? -He said, “Drop me in the tub.” Speaking of roses… [ Laughter ]
-He was done. He’d had it. -Speaking of roses,
last night’s episode of “Bachelor in Paradise”
was pretty awesome. I mean, we got reintroduced to a fan favorite named
John Paul Jones. And at one point, he was
chatting with one of the girls. And he got a little distracted.
Take a look. -You were ready to, like —
-Ready to find my dude? Totally. -Oh, is that a crab?
Oh, come here. -Usually when you hear
“Is that a crab,” it’s in the Fantasy Suite.
You guys, we have a great show.