What It Feels Like To Have Depression | Body Language

What It Feels Like To Have Depression | Body Language


When I tell people
I took a year off uni, I always say
it’s because I was unwell. But I never say
I was mentally unwell. I know people
will react differently, but it shouldn’t be that way. Those two statements
should be treated the same. I think the first time I told
someone I was depressed I was 11. And they were like, “You’re 11. “Do you even possess
the complexity to be depressed?” When I was younger, I’d let
my thoughts just run away from me, and they’d usually end up like
a very dark Shakespeare tragedy, but with more
people of colour in it. Very gloomy, very sad. Later, as a teenager,
I’d put on this black coat and sneak out of school
to walk around town. My friends were
quite literal about it. They called it my depression coat. When I arrived at uni, I… I sort of lost it. It was this crazy explosion
of trying to figure out my own personality,
make friends, adjust, and balance all my mental illness
yet to be discovered. I felt paralysed
by the stress of school. It was like someone had cranked up
the pressure in my body. And I spent a year fumbling
for the valve to turn it back down. The night before an exam,
I was in my room, the pressure had really cranked up,
then something snapped inside me. I remember thinking, “OK, I’m going to die.” I had to call my mum to tell her,
“OK, I’m not doing my exams,” and she wasn’t getting it at all. Like someone being confused
about why penguins can’t fly. “They’ve got two wings,
like all of the other birds, “so why don’t we just throw one
out of a plane?” And then I had to be like, “I tried to kill myself.” Um… Yeah. I got on medication for a while – daily intakes of sertraline
every morning with my breakfast. I used to joke to my friends, “Apparently happiness
tastes like orange juice.” I didn’t like that it sort of
made me feel a bit of a lie, like someone had just turned up some
sort of button in my psychology, or some sort of dial. So I went off it,
and the relapse was awful. It felt like someone
had taken 1,000 rubber bands and just tightened them
round my skull, and I felt very dizzy
and very nauseous. Until eventually it went away
and I was like, “Great, that’s done now.
Not doing that again.” So I didn’t decide to do a year out,
it was deemed on me. But I realised
I could use it as an opportunity and I made time to explore my mind. What worked for me in the end is not
something I could have planned for. The thing that was probably
the biggest impact for me in sort of changing my psychology and changing sort of my outlook
is being more open with everybody. What’s kind of interesting is when you have like
an open conversation with people, have a cup of tea with someone
and say, “Oh, yeah, here’s what “I did in my year out, blah blah
blah, and here’s why I was unwell,” you realise that other people
have gone through that, and it’s hilariously normal. I did a big Facebook post saying,
“Hello, everybody, it’s me. “I’ve been very depressed
and suicidal. How are you?” And then sort of ran away from
my laptop like I’d just released some sort of naked photos
on the internet. But, you know, not only was there
lots of loving feedback coming back, but it was this sort of liberation
that I had taken control of the thing that I’m hiding from
and it’s now mine.

37 thoughts on “What It Feels Like To Have Depression | Body Language

  1. If you or someone you know are feeling emotionally distressed, the following organisations offer advice and support:
    https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/articles/4WLs5NlwrySXJR2n8Snszdg/emotional-distress-information-and-support

  2. I don't even know why I feel like this. I have no reason to and it makes me feel guilty because I do feel like this. Whenever I tell my friends they say its ok you'll be fine just go pray or something and I know if I tell my family they are gonna say mental illness isn't real or it's just the devil. (They are very religious Muslims) . Everyday I randomly think about suicide and I'm always crying and I have no idea why.

  3. If I would have to describe depression to a non-depressed person who has never been depressed before as well, I would say it feels like an empty dark room without windows nor doors. Even if you would manage to get out of that metaphorical room by the affect of your mind, that would also be temporary since that room is awaiting for you considering your mind is not strong enough to keep you from there forever. Once you get in again, that is when the feeling of emptiness starts, so that's the reason why I associated it with an empty room.

  4. whenever i tell my mum that i’m depressed, she just always says, 'oh, dont worry, none of our family members have mental illnesses and its just puberty or something.'
    like, r u kidding me?

  5. People think depression is when you feel down or if you don't feel like chering up. NO. It will not amount to anything. It's the feeling of isolation, or grieving about something you lost, perhaps a part of you that died. It's like getting lost into oblivion, everything seems meaningless, including previous accomplishments and what had given life meaning. You feel as though you will never be happy again. It feels like you do not deserve to be looked at, listened to or be given attention because you give a little value to your existence. And the worst part is you don't have the words to describe it to someone so they could understand how it's eating you up alive and you just wanted to be saved.

  6. My name is Lindo and I just started my channel talking about my depression, getting through life on a daily basis. please join me in my journey and hopefully we can help each other and support through out.
    Thank you.

  7. That first part hit me. When I was 12 I had a strong feeling that I had depression but nobody took it seriously.

  8. Wow.. memory is a beautiful thing..
    But it only works if a person leaves something to remember them by after they die… Or commit suicide..

  9. when i read the comments and watch these videos it helps me cry. i cry for hours at night so i don’t have to tomorrow, i don’t know if i’m depressed or if i’m in an unbelievable amount of sorrow

  10. am depressed to man and am 11 as well I've felt this way for 6 or 7 years I even tried to kill myself at 5 I know that's crazy but it felt normal to me then most of my life was just depression.

  11. Yeah, suicidal persons need help but sometimes "help" is what makes you suicidal. I never used to be suicidal before I take antidepressants. I,ve taken ADs for mild anxiety, and they left me absolutely impotent for 9 months till now. Im off medications and Im still absolutely impotent -this condition is called PSSD – post Ssri sexual disfunction (google it) . It is persistent and there is no cure. I'm also severly anhedonic. Now Im really suicidal because I have na ability to make love and have sex for the rest of my life. What am I supposed to do? To take that poisons again to prevent me from suicide and live castrated for the rest of my life??? No way. At least, pills didnt destroy my dignity!

  12. Depression is weird it feels different to other things your thoughts keep going and going until they evolve into something bad and depression isn’t even just feeling sadness u feel nothingness in your head and it gets lonely and frustrating and changes your views on the world I heard a really good quote that sums this up really well

    “You look around and u see that everyone likes you but nobody loves you and that’s the loneliest feeling in the world “

  13. Can you please answer me this question, how much time can depresion happen, i have been what I think depressed for about 7 months now, and I don't know if I am ok or not, i don't know if I am just sad like everyone says and naming the sadness depression i don't think i know what happiness is now. Please answer me.

  14. When you’re depressed, even when doing the most entertaining things ever, it simply feels like a distraction from how you’re really feeling. Makes me feel worse

  15. The truth is that nobody can endure a depressed person for too long, it causes discomfort to others. They expect you to snap out of it after a 10 min pep talk. "Oh come on, think of all the good stuff in your life. Lets have a drink and you'll be fine." I get that, I truly do. So an "I'm fine,' smile is what I use to comfort others.

  16. depression to me is like no joy in anything, and you wish you were somebody else, anybody else with nothing to look forward to

  17. I got a friend back in High School. He was tall, had black hair, dimples, blue eyes and a cute damn smile. The only problem is that he was very depressed and had so many anxieties and insecurities. His friend never listened to his problems. But I did.
    Whenever he was depressing, he would just sit somewhere and spoken nothing, but just watch.
    He used to do it even if we was at movies, at school or even at a party. But I never stopped him from being depressing, because it could occur into worse. On the other hand, I helped him to get over his depression. It took me 3 years.
    He never attempted suicide, never being sad. Just overthinking and being silent.
    Now he's happy.. with me and we're engaged. 😁

  18. Depression is for weaklings. This world can be handled only by the strongest.
    "The old and weak are doomed." ~Blaskowicz (Wolfenstein 2).

  19. It feels like my soul is trapped and my mind is aware of it but it's so confused and stressed about not being able to get it out that I lost my appetite and the constant pain of the cage and weight of it in my chest keeps haunting my days and now my mind is fighting a lonely battle against the world I'm facing now and it can't do it. The cage is keeping me to my bed and my mind is too tired to fight against it or control my emotions and everytime something small comes up we don't know what to do besides angry or sad because the only two feelings left after my soul is gone are those. The mechanisms, my protection

    That's what it feels like. Exactly what it feels like

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