So, here we go. You’ve probably all been
in this situation before. There’s always a little trouble
as to find which is your seat belt. Various seat belts. Then I normally have
to go all the way. I don’t know about you. I will take this
to its absolute maximum. Give me a little bit of room. That pops in there,
nice and relaxed. And then rude people,
as soon as the sign’s off, they will immediately recline. You know who you are. As soon as the sign’s off,
they will just go, “Right, that’s me.” But just so you know,
the person sitting behind you is staring at the back of your head,
complaining to the whole row, “Look at this guy,
look at this rude recliner.” Because the more polite of us –
and you also know who you are and I count myself among them –
you do it in increments. Just every sort of ten minutes,
slowly, just a little bit… And then there you are,
after 40 to 50 minutes, they’re behind you going,
“How the hell did you do that?” Yes, that’s the idea,
slow incremental reclining. Then you’ve got your blanket,
if it gets chilly, shoes tend to go off.
Always a little bit embarrassing. So, they always say, “Leave your
seat belt on,” don’t they? They say, “Leave it on
in case of turbulence,” so you have to leave your seat belt
on, then the blanket goes there, then you try and sleep,
but then sometimes the stewardess… There’s turbulence,
the stewardess comes around, she says, “Excuse me, sir,
is your seat belt on?” And it’s a very awkward moment
when you have to lift and direct her… “Yes.” A very awkward moment
I’m sure we’ve all been through. So, you’ve got all the things here,
the armrests move, the tray comes down,
we’ve even got food here, which we can go through,
which is absolutely revolting. The hardest… The hardest bread you will ever get
in the world. And then, of course,
they come down and go, “Would you like the
chicken or the fish? “Chicken or the fish, sir?
We’ve got chicken or fish.” Then you go, “Oh, I think
I’ll have the chicken.” They go, “We’re out of chicken.” “All right.
Thanks for offering the chicken.” So, as you all know, for takeoff,
they always tell you to put the blind up. Sometimes you’re about to take off,
everything’s fine, and they go, “Excuse me, sir.
Could you just pop your blind up? “We need all the blinds up
for takeoff.” Really? This blind is linked
to the engine of the plane, is it? Is the captain up there going,
“Something seems to be wrong, “have you checked all the blinds?
Have you checked all the blinds? “32B, check with 32B. “Whoa, that’s better! “Close one!” All right.
So, this is where he’ll come… Ah, seat belt’s on. That’s another thing that happens. When it ends, when the plane… Because it’s a race, isn’t it,
to get off the plane? It’s a race. You pretend you’re not racing,
don’t you? You look around, as soon as
you get there, looking around. They always go, “Welcome to such and
such. We’ve arrived. “Please wait for the
seat belt sign to go off.” But everybody is waiting. They might as well say, “On your marks, get set… “go!”